No Longer His Servant, Not Yet his Wife
by nothingsimple
Summary: "Are you yet afraid of me now?" He inquired, "Has so much changed since last night?"
1. Chapter 1

_No Longer His Servant, Not Yet His Wife_

 ** _Slightly updated version after some lovely reviews. Thank you so much! xxx_**

I could feel Ross's hands steady around my waist, grasping the reins as we rode back to the cottage. The sun was setting now, fiery orange on the horizon and a silence hung from our lips. In truth I didn't what to say. I didn't know what to think. Me…a wife? I'd never even dreamed of my position as a kitchen maid, but a wife? I could scarce gather my wits about me.

Not that I was under any illusions of his love. He'd shown me something similar last night. I'd had glimpses of it before with other men. Groping hands pushed away. Stolen kisses taken from virgin lips. Nothing like last night though.

I blushed to remember.

We had reached the cottage now and I trembled as Ross took my hand helping me from the horse. He seemed to sense my unease and gave me a gentle smile, I could only look away.

Gathering up my bundle I began to walk towards the kitchen door, Ross fell into step beside me. I sucked in a breath as his hand slipped into mine, neither of us said a word. He seemed about to speak when a quiet but heart wrenching sob reached both of our ears. Ginny. We heard the soft cries of her baby and the deep murmurings of her father from little garden shack. I turned to Ross and saw his face harden. Letting go of my hand he stormed into the house slamming the door behind him.

Supper was soon ready and I set out a tray for Ross. However it was almost a full five minute that I stood at his door, limbs trembling. How could I have been so bold yesternight and yet now I stood shaking like a child! I let out a sigh then almost but dropped the tray as I heard Ross' harsh voice "Demelza just come in!". His face, however was softer than his words when I looked up to see me enter.

"Are we not to eat together tonight Demelza?" He asked, setting aside his papers for me to put the tray down.

"No Sir, I thought you should like to be left alone…"

"Do you think I asked you to marry me so I could be left alone?" He was almost smiling now.

"Well no Sir…it's just you seemed upset and…"

"Come sit" He interrupted "Have you eaten?"

I nodded and he frowned, I looked away.

"Are you yet afraid of me now?" He inquired, "Has so much changed since last night?"

I blushed deep red.

"Demelza, you need not be ashamed…"

"Oh no, Sir it's not that..I suppose I just feel..I am no longer your servant yet I am not yet your wife"

"The banns are to be read in a few weeks hence…are you worried I should disregard their meaning and want you abed before the day?"

"Oh no! I shouldn't mind that I-"

At this he roared with laughter and grasping my hands he pulled me onto his lap. He kissed me deeply.

"I'm glad I have so pleased you, Lord knows how you shall please me" He whispered in my ear.

"Yes Sir" was all I could think to say

"I suppose you should call me Ross now" He smiled.

"Ross" I said and in my nervous state it came out as a breathless moan.

His breathing hitched and soon he was kissing me again. The candles shine shone bright on the mantlepiece and I could see his hands before they pulled me closer.

This kiss was different to last night. Last night's kisses had been filled with wine, sadness and desperation. This kiss held a promise.

 _Wife..._

 _...Husband._

Not just somewhere I belong, but someone to belong to.

Yet right now his hands felt hungry though his supper lay untouched on the desk. I'd come to the room hoping to help console his pain over Jim's sentence yesterday. Instead he seemed more interested in continuing the latter events of that day. Perhaps I was comforting him as I sat atop his lap letting his hands skim over the coarse fabric of my day dress and his lips everywhere they could reach.

Perhaps this is simply what I am.

 _A distraction._

Why should I be anything more?

I wondered what Ross was about when he quickly stood up causing me to slide off his lap. He strode across the room and quickly bolted the door then turned to me again.

"Just making sure there are no intrusions..." He said and slid his hand under my chin.

"Demelza we are equals now, as we have always been." He continued.

"Yes Ross..." I said breathless, yet slightly confused.

"So, I think perhaps you should kiss _me_ now..." He smirked.

I hoped Judd and Prudie couldn't hear the low groan he made as I placed my lips on the corner of his mouth and curled my hands into his hair.

"T'int right, T'int fair, T'int proper" Judd would say.

And heaven knows, he'd be right.


	2. Chapter 2

My second morning waking up in Ross' bed. The sunlight was already streaming in when I awoke.

I stretched out my hand beside me and felt the still warm sheets. However _he_ was nowhere to be found. Slipping on my dress I sighed running my hands over the coarse fabric. I could already hear the beginnings of an argument erupting between Judd and Prudie in the kitchen.

"Demelza!" I heard Ross' voice booming through the small house. Quickly fastening the rest of my dress I ran out to meet him. I was still gathering my hair up in a kerchief when he bounded up the stairs and grabbed my elbows. "Demelza are you ready?"

"What for?" I wondered

He half smiled. "We must meet with the minister today discuss our religious obligations". "

"Religious obligations…what in Judas does that mean?"

"We must bid him set the banns….and this is a necessary part".

He seemed stern now. A frown spread across his face and he looked thoughtful. Perhaps he was thinking how he would regret his decision, perhaps he already did! I remembered his look of horror when I burst into the room as he and Elizabeth sat in conversation. How they must have hated me in that moment.

 _It is not love,_ I thought to myself.

Looking over my half dressed state and dishevelled hair Ross pushed a strand from my eyes.

"Why have you risen so late? Tis' strange to see Judd and Prudie up before you…." He smirked.

"I'm sorry Sir, I slept in…your bed is comfortable.." I blushed realising what I had said.

He didn't seem to care and rushed off bidding me hurry. He didn't correct me calling him Sir neither.

It was late afternoon when we arrived back. I set about finding something for Ross to eat. The meeting with the minister had been uncomfortable to say the least. The old fellow kept giving me glares and then congratulating Ross on his "vision in seeing Marriage as a means against avoiding the fornication of a non sacred union" . I think he figured I didn't know what he meant. Ross knew I did. He didn't remark on it though and didn't hold my hand on the walk back. Not that I thought he should it's just—

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a sound from the other room. A babe's cry. _Ginny!_ Of course. How could I be so selfish! Here I was thinking about my own small woes when Ginny had become mother and virtual widow all in one day. I rushed out to the girl hoping I could find some way to console her.

It was long after nightfall when I traipsed back to the house. I had spent the rest of the day with Ginny in her small cottage. I hoped Prudie had made him something to eat yet I knew he wouldn't mind my absence. He had cared for both Jim and Ginny, and still would. I knew he felt responsible. Ginny didn't of course and spoke only of his kindness and goodness. I wanted to tell her of Ross and I. What had happened and what was now to take place, yet I was worried what she would think of me.

The hum of night was louder than usual as I lay down to sleep. I felt uneasy. This day had been strange. Full of awkward happiness and eventual disappear at Ginny's predicament. Yet Ross and I had hardly spoken. Just as I began to drift into sleep I heard footsteps creaking down the stairs. Sitting up from my meagre mattress I saw Ross look down at me from the landing, a candle in his hand.

"Did I wake you?" He whispered coming closer.

"No, no Sir-Ross"

"Sir Ross is it now? I'm sorry to say I never aspired to that" He smiled, although he seemed a little hurt.

He continued:

"I came to see if you had come home, I didn't hear you come in"

 _Home._ My heart thrummed with warmth.

"Yes" I said "'only ten minute ago"

He nodded and rocked back on his feet for a minute.

"How is Ginny?"

"Not well Sir"

"Ross!" he said, slightly exasperated and sat down next to me.

"I'm sorry, tis' easy to forget, and easy for you as you have only ever called me Demelza! Well except when we first met when you called me boy"

He laughed.

"I doubt I'm likely to make that mistake again _Demelza"_

Shifting on my straw mattress Ross turned to look at me again.

"Is there anything you think perhaps I could do to help Ginny and her child?"

"She be going to stay with Jim's Ma tomorrow. But I think perhaps if I could pack some food, a basket, that would help a little" I said softly.

"Yes, yes by all means" He still looked troubled and a silence hung in the small hovel in which we were sat.

"I feel useless" He said at last.

I almost snorted. _Ross? Useless? I heard him called many things but never that…_

 _"_ If I can't save Jim who can I save? I try to be someone I can never be…Wheel Leisure is…I don't know how much longer I can provide work….now Jim's family will starve and—"

He stopped.

 _How to comfort such a proud and strong man? Was comfort even needed? I wanted to burst out and refute his harsh judgment of himself… yet would it just fall to deaf ears as idle flattery?_

I put my hand on his arm.

"Me, you took me in and gave me work, you saved _me_ Ross"

Leaning over I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

He turned to me and without looking into my eyes began kissing my lips, then my neck. I was leaning back on my tiny straw mattress as he climbed on top of me in the tiny space. Once again this seemed the only kind of comfort I could provide.

Suddenly he pulled back. Looking into his eyes I saw disgust. Shaking his head he began to stand up.

 _What had I done?_

"I may have taken you in Demelza, yet only to have you in my bed! I have not saved you" He said and began to walk away.

"You know that's not true Ross!" I ran after him. He turned.

"You took me in with no thought for yourself, I was child who needed a home and you gave me that!"

"A child Demelza! You are a child and I have wronged you!"

"I am no child!" I yelled then hushed remembering Judd and Prudie, probably passed out from a blinder yet I did not want them to wake.

Ross stopped, his face softened.

"I know Demelza. I am sorry"

He continued, "But you are young and I have made this decision to wed, yet what if you want someone else one day?"

"Do I have to tell 'e again…I belong here"

He smiled a little and started up the stairs again. I turned to go back to my little bed yet Ross swivelled around and took my hand.

"You surely can't sleep very well on that" Ross said glancing down at my mattress. He led me up the stairs to his room.

He didn't touch me again that night. Except for once when we were both almost overtaken with slumber. He wrapped his hand gently around my waist and pulled me to him. I thought he was asleep until he mumbled that my hands were cold.

 _What a strange day and and even stranger night,_ I thought as finally drifted into tomorrow.


End file.
